By Mariann Bell
As a mother of two sons, one with moderate-to-severe autism and one without, I know firsthand how challenging it can be to juggle the needs of all the members of a family when one of the members has special needs. Raising a child with autism is not an easy endeavor- getting the right services for your child, working to improve developmental skills, and dealing with the daily challenges unique to autism can be as much work (if not more!) than a full-time job. This article addresses the challenges unique to raising siblings of children with autism: children whose needs can sometimes be overshadowed by the more obvious ones of their special sibling. I am not a psychologist or a doctor- just a mom who has made a fair share of mistakes, and picked up some pointers along the way. I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and your family.
Spend one-on-one time. Spending time alone with your child is a great way to make sure he or she doesn’t get lost in the shuffle of the daily grind, or ground down by all-autism, all the time. My son and I started a vegetable garden together, which provides peaceful quality time outdoors for both of us. The tasty tomatoes, peppers, and carrots are a nice bonus too! We also bake together, once in a while, just the two of us, and he is my official grocery shopping helper. Little activities like that can add up to quite a bit of time during the week, and a stronger relationship.
Teach your child about autism. Depending on the age of the child, there are a variety of media resources to help children understand autism, including books and movies. Teach your child the word, and what it means for his or her sibling. For example, I began very simply with my youngest son when he was 3 years old, and told him that his brother had autism, and had a hard time using his words. As he’s grown older, I’ve explained more, about impulse control, meltdowns, and food aversions - in kid-speak, of course! This way, these are just simply facts that he has in his mental file about his brother, alongside such useful information as ‘has brown hair’ and ‘loves trucks’.
Acknowledge his/her feelings. Some days you probably hate autism too, and get really frustrated by your child’s behavior. Maybe you were embarrassed by the meltdown in the grocery store too. You grieve for the child you might have had. Your child may grieve for the brother or sister he/she might have had too. Acknowledge these feelings, without dwelling on them. Make it safe for your child to express his/her feelings without repercussions. Burying feelings isn’t healthy for anyone, including children, and in this case, it may lead towards resentment and guilt towards his or her sibling.
Make sure your rules are fair. In my house, the rule is that everyone does what he or she can do. Autism is not allowed to be an excuse. Even though my eight year old son has moderate-to-severe autism, there are still several chores he can do, with supervision and assistance. It is good for your child with autism to learn responsibility and self-help skills. It is also good for demonstrating inclusion principles right in your own home. If your child without autism has chores, and the child with autism has no chores, resentment may also build, and that is something that should be avoided wherever possible.
Don’t forget the positive praise. Praise your children. Frequently. If it doesn’t come easily, try using statements like ‘I like how you…’, or ‘It makes me so happy when you…’. Children need to hear more praise than criticism in order to develop a positive self-image. Cultivate the habit.
Have reasonable expectations. No child is going to behave perfectly. Just because your child doesn’t have autism, doesn’t mean he or she is going to be an angel. My husband and I have made that mistake, and were grateful when another mom pointed it out (discreetly) to us. Kids are going to be kids. Making mistakes, misbehaving, and testing boundaries are all part of the learning process. Are you perfect? I know I’m not, and I don’t expect either one of my kids to be either.
Don’t let autism rule your family’s life. A diagnosis of autism can often mean lots of therapies and treatments and appointments with specialists. My son receives speech therapy and occupational therapy twice a week after school (on alternating days), for an hour each session. Parents who are following ABA protocols can spend even more time! It’s time consuming but necessary. However, I refuse to schedule any therapies on Friday or over the weekend. That’s our family time. I also arrange to have my younger son participate in an after school program he really enjoys, so that he doesn’t have to sit in a clinic for an hour waiting for his brother. That way, therapy is accomplished, and no one (with the possible exception of me) is bored in a waiting room.
Keep your marriage strong. One of the first things I read about when I was researching my newly-diagnosed little boy’s disorder was the shockingly high divorce rates among parents of special needs children. My husband and I agreed that we liked being married to each other, and wanted to keep it that way. Some of the strategies we’ve pursued in keeping our marriage strong is keeping a date night, at least twice a month. If you don’t have reliable respite care (parents or friends, for example), contact your local social services agency. Many social services agencies maintain resource lists for consumers, including lists of agencies which provide respite care. Your marriage is worth the effort and the expense! Other valuable insights I have gained through this journey is the importance of being patient and gentle with one another, and taking care of one another. You are partners on this parenting journey together, and the easiest, most loving way to complete the journey is by staying happily married. Both kids need that from you.
Keep your stress level as low as you can. It’s not as impossible as it sounds! I understand exactly how difficult that can be. Raising children is a juggling act; raising a family with autistic and non-autistic children is a juggling act on a unicycle. That is why it is so crucial to find personal time to take care of yourself. I take care of my garden, meditate daily, take bubble baths with a good mystery or romance novel once or twice a week, and get on the elliptical to exercise two to three times a week (whether I want to or not). These are things which keep me sane, and refresh my spirit. My husband plays video games and has poker night with the guys. It’s finding what works for you. It’s not selfish to find time for yourself. Nourishing your mind, body and spirit helps you to be strong for your family.
I hope that following these suggestions will help as you raise your ‘mixed’ family.
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